A conversation with L2T Executive Director & Therapist, AudrieAna Gardner, MSW
AudrieAna, you’ve launched not one, not two but THREE sons to college over the years, which is no small feat! What was that experience like for you?
It is a BIG DEAL to invest in a child for 18 years and then send them off to college! The experience can truly be a roller coaster of emotions for both you and your child. I think the experience was different for me with each child — primarily because each child had a different idea about what it meant for them to go off to college and because of my unique relationship with each one.
Our first son was very ready to launch and was excited about what he was going to be studying and the institution where he was going. He was confident and in a good head space about leaving, so I had less anxiety about dropping him off at college. I was, however, left with the loss of having him around on a daily basis. What I wasn’t expecting was the impact this would have on our other two sons who were still at home. They were used to his leadership in the home and his steady, even temperament. He was missed by all of us, but his absence also allowed our other two children space to grow up. I tried to mother well from afar and learned to walk that line. There were a couple of times, I had to poke our new college freshmen, “Please go to the health center, you have had a fever for two days and need to get a strep test!” or “I am concerned you are working too hard and not prioritizing sleep.” But for the most part, I practiced giving him space and watched him grow and mature (all on his own!) over that first year. I admired this firstborn son in the way he grew both in confidence and humility. He rose to the challenge of a difficult program, doing what he could on his own, and always reached out for our advice when he needed it.
Our second son was not excited about going to college. Even though we gave him the choice to stay or go, he decided going to college was in his best interest. His ambivalence made dropping him off at college more difficult for me — and probably more difficult for him to watch us drive off. I felt an overwhelming sense of wanting to make life easier for him by being there for him. I was concerned about him muscling through something he didn’t want to do. I wanted to be his cheerleader every single day and yet, I had to adjust to doing that from a distance. And guess what? He rocked it…even during a pandemic. I’m happy to report that this second born son found his way, excelled academically, and is now working in the esteemed field of his choice. I had to manage MY anxiety to not rescue him and trust the process. I admired his tenacity, increased resilience, and his passion to finish strong. His muscling through truly paid off.
Our third son was ready to go to college to experience the social component and felt less ready to handle the academic challenges without our supervision. So, I had mixed feelings about dropping this last son off despite him attending the college where my husband and I attended and the familiarity that brought. While I was confident the college was a great fit for him and I was excited for him to experience it, I was concerned I would not be able to support him academically, as I had done in high school. This was his growth edge and it was stretching for him (and us) in so many ways. We endured several anxious calls talking him through how to manage it all. He engaged in regular tutoring from son #2 to get him through a particularly challenging class. He met with professors to advocate for his needs. He was being stretched in more ways than he wanted to be stretched, but he made it! And I survived watching it all from afar! For this son, the social side of college made it worth the pain of the work. I took joy in hearing how he found friendships that will last a lifetime, grew spiritually in ways he could not have at home under our watch, and expanded his gusto for life. I admired his commitment to the academic challenges and his choice to make countless fun memories. He finished well on both of those fronts.
The four years of launching three children off to college resulted in a season of adjustment for my husband and I as well. We had always been very involved parents. When we did not have children in the home it was, well…quiet. It was the end of a season of rearing boys at home which changed things for us personally, professionally, and in our marital relationship. These areas now get more attention and focus than in the past. While I still miss our sons and their daily presence, the empty nest can be a good thing too.
As a parent, what was helpful to you when you recall that unique time of transition?
During the transition from senior year of high school to the freshman year of college, it was important to me to focus on the quality of the relationship between me and my child. I made sure to carve out extra time with my senior student. I made a point to check in with them on what they were thinking and feeling as well as making sure that there was no strife between us. For our first son, I was in between jobs, so I took the whole summer off before starting my next job so I could be fully present with him. It was such a sweet time of being together, preparing for his launch and the shift in our family. Pausing between jobs was not an option for the next two sons. So, instead, during their entire senior year, I took each son out for a one-on-one monthly breakfast to just invest in our relationship. The time together, just being in relationship, whether shooting the breeze or talking through the challenges they were facing, was invaluable. I felt a strong bond with each of them prior to their leaving home. There are so many momentous events and activities during senior year in high school through the transition to college and it is easy to focus on the activities instead of the relationship. I wanted to practice being present with my sons during this important season in our lives. It is much easier to release them into the college world when your relationship is in a good solid place, when you feel securely attached to your child and they feel securely attached to you. I focused on that bonding so that the communication during their freshman year of college could be built on the solid foundation of our relationship.
Complete this sentence…”One thing I wish someone had told me when my child left for college…”
Don’t be surprised if you feel both RELIEF and GRIEF, sometimes at the same time. All your feelings are valid during this time so carve out time to process each one.
What are a few of your ‘tried and true’ tips for parents as they launch their child to college this Fall?
Be a “safe space”. DO respond to the calls, texts, and emails they initiate! They need to know that you are there for them when they need you.
Give them space. DO NOT initiate contact with them every day!! Limit your initiated contact (calls, texts, emails) to 1–2x per week in the beginning, or less. They will contact you when they need you. So much information will be coming at them, especially at the beginning. They will need to focus on themselves, their needs, and be given time to adjust to their new environment. They do not need to focus on taking care of you and your sadness over their departure.
Believe in them (even if you have to “fake it til you make it”). DO NOT try to fix all the problems they present to you! This gives them the message that you don’t believe they can manage things. Of course, you will have multiple solutions because you have much more life experience but try to contain that and not jump to share. Instead, try to offer support most of the time and only offer solutions when they ask for them. [ex. Ask them, “What are your options?” or “What do you think could be done about this?” or “What outcome do you want?” And then, finally, “Would you like a suggestion”?] This conveys the message that you think they are competent and able to figure things out (and guess what…most of the time this is TRUE!). Don’t rescue them but do walk alongside them. The difficulties and challenges your student faces in college will likely make them more resilient, wiser, and more empathic. Don’t try to eliminate the difficulties — instead be available to support your child as they move through them. If they do get stuck or end up with mental health concerns, encourage them to seek therapy and be supportive of it.
Show up. DO make Parents/Family Weekend or special event like a football game a priority. Show up for the big things — an important performance your student may be in, experiencing a big loss like a breakup with a romantic partner or for a more serious bout of depression or anxiety. A long weekend with you, just being together, going out to eat, or attending an event together is good for your student’s soul. It is also grounding for your relationship. If you can’t make it to campus for a special occasion or if your child is down in the dumps, consider sending a care package to let them know you are thinking of them.
Take interest in their world. DO ask them questions about their favorite classes, their social circles, athletics, and other interests. Make sure to get to know your student’s closest friends. Take them out to dinner, invite them to your home for school breaks and build rapport with them. Make sure you exchange phone numbers with these friends! This does not mean that you are texting with your student’s friends like they are your own friends…remember the “give them space” tip? This is just for times like when your child is not responding to an important message, if you are concerned for their well-being, or if you want to enlist their friends to help celebrate your student’s birthday. This also gives their friends a way to contact you if necessary.
Grieve the loss of your child’s daily presence. DO make space for yourself to process the loss of your child’s daily presence and the structure and purpose it gave you when they were home. Use journaling, long walks, and talks with your spouse and friends about the experience of letting go of control and allowing your child to grow into the person THEY want to become. Use this time to refocus on yourself, your needs, and the needs of the family members still at home.
Celebrate when you come together. When your student comes home for school breaks or the holidays, try not to use the time together to grill them about college, choosing a major or a career, or squeezing out information from them about their romantic interests. Instead, let them take the lead on what they want to talk about and do while at home. Consider making their favorite meal, sharing in their favorite activities, and making time for cherished family traditions. By doing this, you will make your home a haven and a welcome place for them to return to time and time again.