What thoughts and feelings come up for you when you hear the words, “family vacation?” Is it joyful anticipation, worry, dread, overwhelm, or a little bit of each of these? The idea of a family vacation may bring mixed emotions for you because of varied experiences with past family getaways. The good news is that you are not alone. We probably all have frustrating or hilarious memories from family vacations that make us either cringe or laugh out loud. These experiences, both positive and negative, end up being added to the family lore and can be a source of bonding. And just to keep it real, sometimes planning these trips end up bringing deep grief. For example, I have a friend who recently had to cancel a family vacation due to the strained and volatile relationship with her teenage son and this left her and her husband needing to process their sense of loss and sadness.
A typical family vacation, much like life, has its own ups and downs. So why do we default to seeing our vacations through rose colored glasses? Well, unlike day-to-day life, we tend to have more expectations for our vacations, particularly those involving family. We need time away from regular life to connect with the ones we love and make wonderful memories. We also have fantasized memories of our childhood family vacations that cause us to want to create a similar experience for our present family. Conversely, we may have bad memories of these trips with our original family, so we are moved by the past to provide something better for our kids than what we were given. Regardless of the motivation for planning our family vacations, our hopes and expectations can set us up for increased pressure to get it “right.” If we are not mindful, we will be unprepared for the flexibility that vacations require, which could lead to minor and major disappointments should things not go as planned.
Here’s the good news…it doesn’t have to be this way! We can do some internal and external work and identify needs ahead of time. This will help us effectively manage family vacations in a way that will positively impact our vacations, and more importantly, our precious time and memory-making with our family.
Internal Work
Observe the past. To begin with, think back to vacations you remember from the past. Without judging yourself or others in the family, how did you all react when things didn’t go as planned? For example, when the weather was bad, or kids complained about being away from their friends (maybe YOU were THAT kid), or the hotel accommodations were not what was advertised? Maybe your flight times were terribly delayed, or you forgot an important item, or someone got sick? These are all speedbumps in family vacations that can throw a family (or some of its members) for a loop.
Every family system is different in how they respond to these disruptions. As you reflect on the past, did you all jump into problem solving? Did you all blame one another for things that had gone awry? Did folks get irritable or withdrawn? Did the disruption cause members to shut down? Or did you work together as a team to make the best of each situation? Once you have identified the pattern for you and your family, it’s time to make a plan to work towards the vacation that you want to experience with your family.
External Work
Prepare for the future and get your family on board. Is every family member ready to be flexible with pivots as they arise? Although some members may be able to do this, others may struggle. So parents, are you ready to flex!?! Modeling flexibility teaches children a great life lesson; that how we react to life’s disappointments can positively or negatively impact our overall experience. Parents — we must be ready to take this opportunity to model resilience and flexibility for children (who are watching how we handle these incidents!) It’s ok to talk about upcoming vacations with hope and expectancy and yet we need to be prepared to be flexible enough to roll with the daily realities as they come our way.
Needs
Everyone has different needs when it comes to a vacation. It’s helpful to ask ahead of time what are everyone’s hopes and desires regarding this vacation. For example, a common point of friction during a vacation is the differing views on rest & relaxation (R&R). Some family members may experience R&R laying on a pool chair while others find R&R on a long run. (Yes, those people do exist!) Another difference is activity or energy levels. Some crave adventure and exploration while others desire a scheduled time of quiet with a good book. A great question for each person to consider is, “What are your preferences for R&R and activity levels for this vacation?” We all have various needs and it’s a valuable process to get clear on what those needs are. We also have to acknowledge that we cannot please everyone in the family at the same time. Relationships are about sharing our needs and also compromising along the way. Parents can provide strong leadership in identifying the various needs, incorporating them into the plans, and then setting expectations of compromise in these areas for the whole group.
A Final Word
Share the load so your “vacation” doesn’t turn into a “trip”! There is nothing worse than returning from what was thought to be a “vacation,” exhausted and in need of a real vacation. When traveling with small children, or a sick/injured family member, or bringing along an elderly grandparent, a vacation can feel more like a trip at times. Parents can plan and discuss how they will give one another breaks and support one another’s individual needs so that they can catch their breath and refresh themselves.
Bon voyage!
May you pause to reflect on the past and then consider what the needs and hopes are for your upcoming family vacation. A little reflection and forethought can go a long way to being able to remain flexible so you can get the most out of your time with cherished loved ones and build the memories that will unite your family in the years to come.